Its funny how things turned out so well but we didnt see it. Neither did we realized it. On the other hand, we only spot things which doesnt turn out so well. Its funny how difficult it is to control our feelings. On the other hand, it seemed so easy to control other's. Its funny how people kept making promises, an empty one that is. On the other hand, people still keep making empty promises. Its funny how people love making fun of others. On the other hand, they dont like being make fun of. Its funny how out of a sudden our feeling grows. On the other hand, does it even shrink? Its funny how easy it is to fall in love. On the other hand, its way beyond difficult to fall out of love. Its funny how I never post this kind of messages before. Well on the other hand, I just did. =D
Out of boredom please. Damn. My new laughing gas just went offline. New. Hahahaa. Pick up from somewhere along the streets I guess? I wont comment on the Paper I sat for just now. I will talk about how stupid I was not to take menstrual panadol before I left home for school. I was groaning in pain like mad. K exaggerating. But yeaa, the pain was unbearable uhh. What d'you expect? 2nd day. Standard uhh. Im very very jealous for those gerls who dont have to bear with pains and cramps. Shucks. Opppps! Sensitive topic, guys. Hahahaa!
I miss watching movies! *sobs* When was the last time I watched a movie eh? Hmmmm. Cant remember. Im craving for movies! Oooooohh.My.God! Hahahaaa. Lame laaa Marlie. But I miss watching movie. Seeeriousss.. *sobs again*
42 days left to O levels. Hrrrmm. I'll try to make full use of the extended ours in school library till 8pm. Tuesdays. Yes, every Tuesdays, I'll stay in school, in the library from 2.30pm to 8pm and do my revisions there. I might come on other days too but Tuesday's a must coz I signed up for that day. Hmmm, maybe a Wednesday or a Thursday perhaps? Wednesday is tempting. Thursday there's Ira. Ok, when there's friends, meaning countless of breaks. Hahahaa. Wednesday I guess? Still considering.
Syahira, by the time you get to my blog, you'll already know what I've been wanting to tell you just now on the way back to school. I can only say Im sorry. No explanations, unless you asked for it. If not, I dont want to appear as if Im making up excuses. ):
"Update Vampire, update!" - Marlie (:
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To my lovely friend, Syahira.
First of all, thousand apologies. Apologies for hurting you, directly or indirectly. Either ways, I end up hurting you. I would have known from the beginning that this would somehow affects our friendship, only, I did not open my eyes wide enough. I shouldnt have started at all. I shouldnt have thought about it even for a second. I know I'd somehow get someone else hurt other than hurting myself too. As Im typing this, I never felt any better. Neither do I felt any worst. Somehow or rather, I dont know what Im feeling right now. Now lets begin.
1st September 2008, as we stepped into the fasting month, many were busy sending and forwarding messages regarding fasting here and there. I, wanted to join in the fun, forward humoring messages to most of my muslim friends. The baristas were included. After one by one sending their replies, I received one from an unknown. But I was very certained it was one of the baristas. Cause it seems like only them, uses the name 'M with me. I replied asking who was that. Khai claimed it was him. And thats where it begins. I replied and so do Khai. And this went on and on. Not realizing that it went on till the next day, and the next, and the day after the next.
I admit, there were jokes and laughters. Jokes which were questioned by Nisa and Din on what me and Khai meant by those jokes. Jokes. Get it? Nothing serious. The two kept assuming we were contacting more than a regular friend does. Again, I admit, there were messages that might look so wrong and such. But again, jokes. I wont deny that there are messages from Khai that sounds as if he was flirting. I realized that only after Din pointed that out. But I did not look at it that way. Cause I too, did message him the same way. Flirting if you call it. But we have no intention to flirt and such. We have nothing like that in mind. Swear.
After contacting each other for 6 days now.. K wait. I wont use the term 'contact' anymore now since you guys said it sounded like we had other intention. After 6 days of sms-ing Khai, he had become nicer and sweeter than before. And slowly, almost seems like pampered. No, Im easily pampered with guys not because I love to flirt. God. That is so not my thing uh. I guess, was pampered with the opposite gender ever since I was little. First person I was pampered with was my late gramps. God, Imisshim. And then there was Dad. I was pampered and closest to this two wonderful man I know in my entire life. I guess I was used to being pampered to the opposite gender, that Im now easily being closer with male friends? Take classmates for instant.
Sexy-legged friend, Zwisis, Zik, Sufi. Im not so close to them. But I can definitely say that I get along very very well with them, the very first time we communicate. Very well. Out of the story line.
Back to main topic. So you see, Khai kept saying sweet things to me (and again, not flirting, pleeeeease.) Cant deny that I said sweet things to him too. One good example, is like 'i sayang u' that kind'dof thing. Im trying as hard as possible not to hide anything here. Sorry Khai. Im still keeping the personal stuffs low for now. And will continue to do so tho. So no worries Khai. Anyways, days after days. I feel that late gramp's pamperness and attentions were replaced by Khai's. Thats when things get complicated. I started to treasure my friendship with Khai since then. I felt the pampering I've lost for years now. Nobody understands that. Nobody did. Khai managed to make me feel like a pampered small granddaughter again. Like a small kid. He even called me a small kid! Now how does that make me not being reminded of my first beloved that I used to be so pampered to? Damn. And once again, I repeat this. Me and Khai have no other intention in sms-ing each other. We were just entertaining ourselves. We even made it clear with each other that we were contacting or sms-ing as a friend only.
And until yesterday, I felt the need and the urge to let Ira knows about our contacting. I dont want to hide anything from her so I asked Khai if it was ok if I let her know. He was all ok go. So I told Ira. I find it hard to break the news to her cause as I was walking home with her today I asked the very first important question. Are you over Khai? Based on her answer she had given me, I knew it wasnt the right time to break the news to her. So I just kept it inside me while walking home with her. Upon reaching home, Ira texted saying that I did not have the chance to tell her whatever that I wanted to tell her. Bla bla bla.. Around 3 plus, I texted her. Asking if she already knows that Khai is currently texting another gerl. Ira replied who? My answer was "Me. Bla bla bla..." Yeaa I can imagine her breaking down.
Trust me, it hurts seeing this one beautiful gerl to always breaking down. Even tho Ira replied with the coolest tone for a person like her who easily breaks down, I know she's somehow crying behind the screen. Damn. I posted about this here with no intentions to put shame on anyone, neither am I asking for sympathy. I just want to clear things out. Clear the misunderstanding. Get this clear, there is nothing between me and Khai. We are just friends. F.R.I.E.N.D. Which part or letter do you not understand about the word uhh?
No doubt that I "sayang" Khai. But this "sayang" is like an elder brother. Thats what I told him and thats exactly what Im gonna tell everyone here. Ira asked me repeated times, if Khai had ask about her or not. I dare not say no cause I know it wont make the situation better. It will somehow worsen the situation. God.I never felt this miserable before. And to make things worse, no one was here for me. No one. Again, not asking for sympathy please. Im just wondering where are all this people whom I needed most at this point of time. No shoulders to lean on. No one to wipe my tears away. No listening ears. But somehow, there are a few caring ones who was there for me just now. Supporting me, while thinking of a way to start a conversation with Ira. About this. But I end up leaving the place first. Cause I was about to cry. I couldnt take it anymore. Everyone was over me. Nisa and Din kept asking me to start talking to her. Start the settling already. But I couldnt find the words that fits. I just cant. Ira broke down to when I left. Heard from Sofie when she got home. Yes she was there too. Then from Nisa, when she was online. And then, Din. Everyone was saying the same thing, making things worse for me. Making me feel bad. Maybe I was supposed to feel bad. I was the one who started this mess after all.
From the bottom of my heart Ira, I dont mean to take Khai away from you. No intentions at all. Im sorry for this. I really am.
Thankyou Din and Nisa, for the support and the listening ears just now. Im grateful enough to still having ou guys here with me. And still am.
Khai, if any my words above were harsh on you or disturbed you at any point of time, my apologies. I still "sayang" you for your sincere kindness and concern all this while. I really really appreciate it.
And Indra, I never stopped msging you because of Khai. Its been way before I was closer to him that I've stop msging you. And you claimed that I've changed. How is that so? Tell me. I really mean it when I said I missed you, ass.
*Staring at the screen for a few seconds*
**Taking in deeper breath**
Written from the bottom of my heart, with tears and sincere,
Im done. And once again, Im sorry.
Yours Faithfully,
'M.
